In which I explain to my son how I pwn noobs all day long.

Carlo [dejectedly getting ready to go out to the bus stop]: I hate that they didn’t cancel school today. Two hour delays are so stupid. We should just be able to stay home.

Me: Yes, your life is really hard.

Carlo [sensing my sarcasm]: IT IS!

Me: There are kids in the world who don’t have clean water. Or enough food to eat. Or medicine. Your problems are pretty small. 

[Carlo does not respond to this. I decide to take a different, more absurd tack which flows nicely with one of Carlo’s preoccupations in life: noobs]

Me: You know, there are some kids who don’t even realize they are noobs. We all know you’re a noob, but kids, like in Africa, are walking around not even knowing that they’re total noobs.

Carlo [not believing that we have to go over this again]: I’m NOT a noob. 

Me: You’re a total noob. You probably get pwned ten times a day.

Carlo: YOU’RE a noob.

Me: I am so not a noob. [fake laughter, totally dismissing the thought as ridiculous]

Carlo: Total noob. In the dictionary, under “noob” it has a picture of you.

Me: I pwn noobs. 

Carlo: You do not pwn noobs, noob.

Me: It’s, what, 10:20? I’ve pwned, like, ten noobs already today.

Carlo: Where do you pwn noobs?

Me: On the Internet. I’ve been pwning noobs on the Internet since before you were born. 

Carlo: Whatever. 

Me: As soon as you get on the bus, I’m gonna go back and pwn more noobs.

Carlo [rolling eyes]: Uh-huh. I’m going out to the bus stop now. 

Me: Love you, noob!


Craig Calcaterra

Craig is the author of the daily baseball (and other things) newsletter, Cup of Coffee. He writes about other things at He lives in New Albany, Ohio with his wife, two kids, and many cats.

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