In which I explain to my son how I pwn noobs all day long.

Carlo [dejectedly getting ready to go out to the bus stop]: I hate that they didn’t cancel school today. Two hour delays are so stupid. We should just be able to stay home.

Me: Yes, your life is really hard.

Carlo [sensing my sarcasm]: IT IS!

Me: There are kids in the world who don’t have clean water. Or enough food to eat. Or medicine. Your problems are pretty small.

[Carlo does not respond to this. I decide to take a different, more absurd tack which flows nicely with one of Carlo’s preoccupations in life: noobs]

Me: You know, there are some kids who don’t even realize they are noobs. We all know you’re a noob, but kids, like in Africa, are walking around not even knowing that they’re total noobs.

Carlo [not believing that we have to go over this again]: I’m NOT a noob.

Me: You’re a total noob. You probably get pwned ten times a day.

Carlo: YOU’RE a noob.

Me: I am so not a noob. [fake laughter, totally dismissing the thought as ridiculous]

Carlo: Total noob. In the dictionary, under “noob” it has a picture of you.

Me: I pwn noobs.

Carlo: You do not pwn noobs, noob.

Me: It’s, what, 10:20? I’ve pwned, like, ten noobs already today.

Carlo: Where do you pwn noobs?

Me: On the Internet. I’ve been pwning noobs on the Internet since before you were born.

Carlo: Whatever.

Me: As soon as you get on the bus, I’m gonna go back and pwn more noobs.