I was gifted Kentucky Derby tickets at the last minute. This meant I had to do some desperate last minute shopping for Kentucky Derby-appropriate clothes. Which, hey, no problem. I can buy clothes like a pro when I need to.  What I can’t do? Tie a bow tie. Literally never wore one in my life. At least one you tie yourself. The ones I wore to proms and my wedding were the ones you just latch in the back. God, I was foolish when I was young.

So, to the Internet! I watched several how-to-tie-your-bow tie videos but decided this one was the best. After all, if you’re gonna learn to tie a bow tie, having an old southern dude tell you how to do it – and to spend almost as much time in the video telling you what not to do, you jackass, than what to do – is the only way to go.  Now, the results: 

The tie in question:

Around the neck:

Cinch it up:

Then, form the first part of the bow:

Bring the long end back over the middle:

Annnnnndddd . . ,

Deal with it.

Got it perfect – or at least pretty close to perfect – on the first damn try. I mean, really, sometimes I’m so cool I amaze even myself.